alison

I re-met this boy last night
He's an athiest socialist
just like me
he told me months ago
that we were soul mates
because of my tattoo.

But that was when I was dating
and now I'm not

We talk about books
and the limitations of language
He makes me laugh
then we kiss.

I don't even have a phone number
a nonchalant goodbye
silently, I ask myself,
when will I see you again?

Saturday, a trip to Missouri
on the way a pit-stop
a small interstate sign
to a memorial
I saw Mother Jones' grave
at Mount Olive, Ilinois

A town of 900 people
reminiscent of the 1950's
A small memorial
to the Ludlow and Verdin Massacres.
Beautiful Graveyard.

And on we went.

Same old story.

When we "broke up" -
I was happy, saying,
finally I can save
passwords
for websites.

we got back together...
He said
"You can trust me
I know better now...
you need your privacy"

And silly me
believing.

We had a fight last night
same old story
he looked at facebook
MY facebook
my password was saved
and saw
a message
from a boy
asking for my number

and came to the party,
made a scene,
and ruined my night.
Again.

A week
and two days earlier -
I told him
I'll give you a week.
If you behave,
I'll stay.
If you don't -
I'll go.

He lasted two days longer than I thought he would.

At home for the holidays.

my home town is too boring
because I don't have many
or any
friends here.
But on the upside,
the bars stay open
3 hours longer.
Hoorah.

So I'm sitting at a computer
my plan was
to study and to read
but I'm not productive here.
And I think
and plan
to exercise and diet
until my mind wanders
on to something else.

Cable

I watch cable
only 3 times a year
when I go home

It blows my mind
the stupid shit
people will watch
instead of reading
a fucking book
and it works
it pulls you in
and you watch for hours on hours
until you don't know
what time it is
or what you've watched.
and you're a strange zombie person devoid of any intelligent thought or productivity.

These wre mediocre because I'm feeling mediocre.

spring break time
 - friends in LA
friends all over the globe
Where am I?
Bloomington
Fucking
Illinois
What am I doing?
Sleeping by day
and cooking steaks
by night.

Hula hooping at midnight
in the muddy yard
drinking beers
on the front porch
a little foggy.
Oh Tuesday nights,
is there anything better?

What to write?
A feeling of honesty
has over come me.

One and a half years
with the same man
is that accomplishment?
or devastation?

If one argues every day,
is that progess
or is it a sign
of the end
of good times?

One has to wonder
at the age of twenty-one
Is he the one?

(you understand
that grammatical functions
of  'one'?"
- Studying for a grammar test yo)

Um.

He's not happy
And I'm not happy
and if it appears that I am
happy
I'm feeling anxious
about
the inevitable
unhappiness
two minutes after.

Or pretending.
Acting.

You know.

But what to do?

I love him, sure
But not so much
when he yells at me.

I know
I can be happy
alone.

but

I'd rather not.

I am drunk again
oops
It's hard to keep rythm
oor spell

friends were talking
about stupid college students
writing stupid poems
that are too
convoluted

one girl got
a full scholorship
for her convoluted poetry.
I could do better.

Vagina this
sad this
blame parents
blah blah blah

I wrote a poem
give me
a million
hamburgers.

Umm

Haiku:
Boyfriend isn't here
So  i will watch dirty porn
"delete history"

Ha.

I love drinking
too much
for my own good.
Class in the morning.
Oops!
Oh well...
Harp is a good beer.
It's difficult
to be poetic
when you are schwasty.
Or is it?
I guess I'll know
when I read in the moring
what I've done.

Where is my boy?
"call me after pizza"
I said
though he's mad at me
anyway.
I forgot
I promised
to watch a movie with him tonight.
Titus.
Have you seen it?
Three-hour movie.
Gory
and Shakespeare
Though,
one of my faves.

(True Romance
tops all!)

It was a long day
In all honesty,
as much as he hates
drinking
and drinking
sometimes
I just want
a good beer
or six
after a stressing day
to end
the stressing
night.

I hope he contacts
soon
or else
I'm upset.

And he was so happy
so, so happy
the last few days
I don't want to ruin it.
Appear
like I don't care
Because I love him
so, so much.

Well Lj
It's back to friends
and it's back to beer.
Today was a good day
Filled with school and
productivity.
So good, I feel like
nothing's going to keep me down.
Maybe.
Maybe,
I miss him.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

listening to party music
thinking of drinking
sitting in my bath towel
i'm hesitant
to leave my house.
(College is very boring
when school is not in session.)

free writing

What a great start to a new year
it's one of those blue days
stay in bed all day
so I'm depressed
so what?
could be lack of melatonin
or a bad mattress
a combination
of too much drinking and not enough eating
purely logic
and scientific
or it could be
that I feel
I'm watching
life in slo-mo
a film reel of a car crash
all I want to do is call him again
to make it right
like it was - in the summer.
I tore my room apart
looking for my phone
and can't find it.
My God, have I become one of those girls?

Christmas break
not much of a break
from bills and arguments,
decisions, dirty dishes and a dead end job.
and all I want to do
is step outside,
no concept of time
without someone asking,
"where are you going?"
Because I don't want to answer.


2009, it sounds like the future
to me
born in 1987
already 21 summers and 21 winters
have come and gone
and what have I learned?
that life is often very boring and tiring.
and rarely does one do what they want to do.

He doesn't know the stress feel
on a daily basis.
He doesn't know how patient I am
even if it seems that I'm not.
He complains
that I don't go on vacation
to a warm place
with a beach
Because he thinks I don't want to.
And that may make him feel bad
But how would you feel...
if you were stuck
because of money
and school
and you had less freedom.
Someday I'll have time to roam.
But not now.

Alison Is:
A little annoyed
a little tweaked
a little broke
a little something
a little blonde
And Moreover:
Kinda bored
kinda horny
kinda lazy
kinda dirty
kinda groovin
(at this moment)
Maybe she's drinking a beer too
Taking a break from not-studying.
Also, Alison is
extremely over-worked
and as always
confused.

Amphetemines are healthiest when not prescribed by doctors and used solely for academic / cleaning purposes.

Ode to Sara
Sara sells me pills
little white ones
that help me study
and if I get an A
this semester
I will praise medical science

She has a sick gecko
and needs some money
for a trip to the vet.
I hope Demetri
feels better
but it must be hard
for a little gecko
to live
in a little plastic cage.

Haiku and a half
I should not drink and study
Because I spill my
Notecards all over the floor.

I have a problem
I should stop writing
such terrible poetry
it's kind of funny

missing someone
S0metimes I miss my mom
Because I only talk to her
every two weeks.
But then I remember
that when we d0 talk
she just asks about money
and such.
and it is boring to me.

my boyfriend
I love my boyfriend
so much
and sometimes I wonder
How I got so lucky
to have him in my life.
but I don't wonder
for too long
because then I start to think
maybe he wonders about me too!
and i hope
I'm a good girlfriend
to him.
I'm think I am
But not too sure
I've never met
anyone like him
or anyone
who loves me
so much.
But it feels good.
Happy.

the boy
The boy likes me
he really really likes me!
I like him too!
I like... the world
I see
through his eyes
every now and then.
I'm happy
I'm a part of it.
(His world, that is).
I don't want to leave him
ever.
Or anytime soon...
Who knows.
I want to live
for here and now.
He makes me happy here
He makes me hapy now
that's all I ask for.
Silly boy.
I really like you.
I really really like you!

Study Break
I felt like crying today.
Because I felt like failing today.
All my classes I feel -
are going downhill.
So have some lunch
and addherall too.
Make some coffee
and study till 2.
"we're running out of cigarettes"
I say to myself.
Then I wonder why the clock
seems so unreal.
So much to do
but have I done
anything?
Maybe - all I want
is to lay
on the floor
and drink
a beer
and listen
to
Moby.
So that's what I'll do!

Train
On the train the other day
It was very crowded
with so many different people
of different age and class and gender,
and race too.
trying to make their way home
wherever that was.
I sat across the aisle from
a black man
drinking vodka and beer.
I assumed the things about the man
I'm sorry to say
but now if I could,
I would
paint a picture of his soul.
He was talking on the phone
to someone unknown
about this and that and everything beautiful.
I eavesdropped on a conversation
about Gandhi and King, Lincoln and Kennedy
He said, I still remember
that those who spoke the truth
are all dead now
with no one left
to speak at all.
He spoke about his race,
in this private conversation
overheard by me.
He spoke about class too.
And how they
are the same.
He talked about brotherhood
And how
we
are the same.
A white man, sitting next to him
ignoring him
the whole trip.
Exchanged a seat
to sit
by a young girl.
(she was white)
he was friendly
for the first time.
A while passed
and the black man appeared
to his seat
which was taken
by the white girl.
She was nervous
and apologetic.
the man next to her
looked out the window.
All the time the black man
was saying it was OK
he would go somewhere else
on the train.
He just wanted
his book -
an autobiography
of a black man.
(I did not see who).
He left his empty beer
and he left his seat
for the white girl
who did not know
what to say.
and wandered somewhere out of sight.

I'm still bad at poetry. If I had the time, I would read more books on it.

I have a boyfriend
(his name is Greg)
I don't know
How he thinks
of
little things
to do
for me
but I don't complain
when he writes my name
and
a big heart
in the sand.
the little thing
will be
washed
away
in the tide
of the ocean...
But I still smile
because I know
he thinks of me.

I just read a book, of poetry
Not the kind that rhymes
but something like this
It has a rhythm
Which I cannot help
But repeating.

Eating
I'm starting to eat
like my mom.
No breakfast, just coffee
A small lunch and cigarettes
No dinner - but drinking.
And I used to wonder why
she never got hungry
But I guess she did not.
And even though,
I do the same thing
I will not have kids
who wonder why
I am not hungry.


Kissing
When I was really little
I remember
my mom kissed my dad
once.
And I would tell my parents
it was really gross
to kiss a boy.
They told me someday,
I would kiss a boy
And it wouldn't be gross
anymore.
But I didn't believe them.